I’ve been wanting to write a post the last week or so, but to be totally honest. I haven’t had the drive.
I’ve been stuck in a downward spiral of self-hatred and doubt. No, you know what.. I honestly think it would be more along the lines of self-loathing at this point.
It’s been a pain in the ass and I haven’t been able to actually shake the feeling that I’m a failure as a person. Friend, daughter, niece, cousin… And wife. The other day my wife actually stayed up until 4 AM trying to console me because I went manic. And I have no idea why, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to cry, and honestly a few times I totally lost my shit and went hysterical. Had my wife not been there, I probably would have gone deeper into the episode. Actually, she can’t take all the credit. My dog played a big role in actually giving my wife a chance to go have a smoke. She helped me when my wife wasn’t there and I will forever love my pain in the ass dog for that.
I’ve been stuck doubting every aspect of my life, asking myself all these questions.
“Are they telling the truth? Am I really that terrible?”
“Was I really that bad at being a friend, could I not have done better to be there for them?”
“What could I have done to avoid this, all I did was ask them not to do something.”
See, a lot of people really don’t like to be told to do something. Well to them they’re being told, when in all reality you’re only asking. Seeing if they can have the respect, or consideration to do something for someone else. A lot of the time, they don’t. Things escalate, and then they get told whether by you, or someone else.
All my life, up until I turned 17 and finally dropped out of high school for the last time I was bullied. Sometimes it got to the point of wanting to kill myself, then I’d look at my mother and think ‘I can’t leave her, she needs me.’ This is going somewhere I promise.
Anyways, after being bullied and put down for so many years, I promised myself to never let someone feel the way I felt. To feel like they had no one to turn to.
I swore I would always give advice if I knew what I was talking about. I swore I’d never let someone be alone if they really needed someone.
And I’ve made pretty good on my promise to myself. Only now, I can add that I NEVER lie. I will tell you the truth even if you don’t like it. I will always be there, rain or shine, 4 PM or 4 AM. If you need me I’d be there.
But that’s just it. You can’t be there for someone who doesn’t actually care about anything you have to say, especially if it’s not what they want to hear. And it’s funny, because regardless, there they are. Every time something goes wrong. They’re standing at your door asking you what they should do. Only to never follow what you say, and when it blows up in their face they blame you. They yell at you and hate you because of their own problems when all they had to do was actually listen to you.
My point is, there comes a time where you need to rise past those people. The ones who will constantly bring you down and only be there when it immediately benefits them.
They think that you’ll always be there, and they’re always going to matter to you, and you know what. It’s not true. Yeah, at one point you cared. At one point you would have done anything to help your friend simply because you hate seeing someone in need.
But, times change.
And honestly, once you realize the type of people they are. Nothing they do can hurt you anymore. Sure, for a while you’re going to be hurt, pissed off, annoyed… But over time, nothing they do or say will get to you, because in the end, you are the bigger person. You’ll move past whatever life throws at you, including shitty friends.
They think you’ll always care, and when you actually stop and burn those bridges.
Well that my friends, THAT is the sweetest revenge.