Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

There are days I can’t even touch my wife. Days that the smallest task is unaccomplishable. Sometimes, I can’t even be a functioning adult, because my anxiety is so unbelievably crippling that I have to constantly look at my wife for the reassurance that something terrible isn’t going to happen. I have to ask her countless times to tell me I’m okay JUST because I can’t believe her. I know I’m being unreasonable, I know it’s foolish, but I cannot help but feel like something bad will happen unless she tells me I’m okay 10,000 times.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental illness compiled of both obsessions and compulsions.

Obsessions are often unwanted, repetitive thoughts, urges, or images that will not go away, whereas compulsions are actions meant to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsessions.

I’m going to list a few things I have to live with on a daily basis. I can’t promise they’ll make sense to you, but it’s life. It doesn’t make sense.

Let’s start with home life.

My wife cannot clean my floors, whether it be sweeping or mopping because she won’t do it right. Well. My version of right. You have to clean under all the furniture first, so you need to move it, sweep twice, mop once, let it dry, then you have to mop again and wait for that one to dry, then vacuum up any leftover hair or dirt the animals have moved around. Then move the furniture back, and do the rest of the living room.

My dishes, you can’t do the dishes in a sink full of water. NO GOD NO! THAT’S LIKE A GERM FILLED BATH! You have to use running HOT water. No cold water. Just hot, with rubber gloves and a new sponge every day. And it can only be dawn dish soap if you splash the dishrack while cleaning another dish, whatever dishes got splashed HAVE to be rewashed, and when you’re putting them away, they have to be organized by size and type.

My laundry.

My wife smokes in my basement, so when I’m changing the laundry over she is NOT allowed to light her smoke until all my clean laundry is away from her. None of what is coming out of the washer can touch the floor or anything around it. When filling the washer, nothing can be inside out, and it has to be separated into piles. Shirts, pants, blankets, sheets, towels, and underthings. When I’m putting it away my shirts have to be hung up and organized by type, and color, and MUST be facing the same direction. My pants must be folded and organized by type.

Everything has to be EVEN. To a ‘T’.

My bed set has to be even on both sides, and only the bottom can be tucked. We both have to have two pillows regardless of whether she can sleep with two or not.

I cannot hang up pictures or shelves in my house cause they never look even and I loose my mind.

Planting a garden, or even the smallest tasks, everything has to be even.

Dishing out food is a task on its own… It’s honestly just horrible.

Anyways, I am a creature of habit and I can’t deal with change. Not in the slightest. If something in my life changes against my wishes, I can’t handle it. I’ll go into full blown panic attacks, and start freaking out. And I can’t help it.

If I’m eating in public, I actually try not to inspect my dishes too much because I know I’m going to see something wrong. When I’m in the mall and have my food on a tray, I can’t even let my fork or chopsticks touch my tray, I need new ones.
I can’t use a napkin that touched the tray either, so I need two. One for the bottom and for on top that I will actually use.

A friend of my wife and I came out to eat with us at the mall one day, and she had her daughter in the high chair. She had the food on the plate, and of course like babies do she put the food ALL over the tray, and ate it. I kept having a full on panic attack every time she put the ‘food’ in her mouth. All I was seeing was germs and death….

My wife didn’t say anything cause she knew there was no helping me at this point, and my friend LAUGHED at me, saying she’s a kid, and it’s normal. I know. I know it is. But I can’t handle it.

I know there’s no real significance in the order I do things, but if I don’t do it in that order, nothing is clean, or I’m going to get sick…
If I touch something unfamiliar, and this is a thing that I have had since I was a child.

If I touch something unfamiliar, I am in the bathroom washing my hands under scalding water for COUNTLESS minutes. There are times where I have washed so hard my hands bled.

I cannot shake a stranger’s hand, and if I’m forced too, I cannot stop thinking of the germs that transferred onto me, and I can feel them crawling all over the spot that was touched.

I honestly can’t sit here and tell you how I feel about these things, and what happens when they aren’t done right…

Simply saying, I have an anxiety attack just doesn’t fit. It doesn’t even begin to describe the debilitating feeling I get or the thoughts of death that come to mind. When someone touches me, I literally feel like I’m going to get some incurable disease and die. And I can’t help it.

‘That’s making my O.C.D go nuts’ do you hear this from your friends that just say it over small things? And it’s never in a serious tone, it’s just them laughing about it?

It is not something to laugh about, and it bugs the shit out of me when my ‘friends’ do this around me, for the simple reason; I live with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

And I would give anything to just live a normal day in life.

I’m not really sure if this made any sense… And kind of just wanted to show you some obsessions, and compulsions I live with on a daily basis. And this isn’t even half of it. It gets so much worse.

I’m going to bed. Goodnight lovelies.

~Anna~

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